remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
