i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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