You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
