my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
