hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
