Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
