Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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