so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
