i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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