I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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