So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
