My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
