If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
