when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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