i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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