you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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