i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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