I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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