how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
