I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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