so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
the day after is always just damage control
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
