i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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