If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
