Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
