If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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