dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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