if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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