it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
