haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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