Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
