Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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