I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
A+ Viking dick
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
