I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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