So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
