she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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