Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
