Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
