we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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