We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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