I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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