I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
