He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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