Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
