my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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