My room smells like vodka and shame
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I could fuck to npr.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
