Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
