Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
