Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
