Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
