just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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