the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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