I think i peed on brittanys purse
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Less talking, more tequila
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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