he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
and you said cock pushups were impossible
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
