guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize