i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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