Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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