So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
