Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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