So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
