I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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